Not all ambition is healthy. Learn how to recognize the signs of perfectionism in teens, how it differs from striving for excellence, and what parents can do to support their child’s mental well-being.
Perfectionism vs. Excellencism
Adolescence is a time of big dreams, rising expectations, and growing pressure—both internal and external. Whether it’s getting good grades, excelling in sports, or preparing for college, many teens hold themselves to high standards. But not all forms of ambition are created equal.
A 2024 study published in the British Journal of Psychology helps clarify a crucial difference between two types of achievement strivings: perfectionism and excellencism. While they may look similar on the outside, they are psychologically distinct—and they have very different effects on adolescent well-being.
Meet Alex and Jordan
- Alex, 15, stays up until 2 AM rewriting a science paper for the third time—not because the earlier drafts were bad, but because “it still isn’t perfect.” When he gets a 94%, he sees it as a failure. Alex constantly worries about letting people down and feels like mistakes define his worth.
- Jordan, also 15, sets high goals in school and soccer. He puts in serious effort, but when a math test doesn’t go as planned, he reflects, adjusts, and moves forward. “I just want to keep improving,” Jordan says, “even if it’s not always an A+.”
Alex is driven by perfectionism—a rigid need for flawlessness. Jordan represents excellencism—a healthy desire to perform well without tying success to self-worth.
What the Research Tells Us
The study, conducted with nearly 800 German adolescents, found that perfectionism and excellencism are distinct traits—not just two points on a single scale. And those differences matter.
- Perfectionism was associated with:
- Lower self-esteem
- Higher levels of neuroticism (emotional instability, anxiety)
- Lower openness to new ideas and perspectives
- Excellencism, by contrast, was linked to:
- Higher self-esteem
- Greater conscientiousness (planning, persistence)
- More emotional stability and openness
In short, perfectionism tends to narrow and drain a teen’s emotional resilience, while striving for excellence helps them grow with confidence and flexibility.
Why This Matters for Mental Health
Adolescents are especially vulnerable to internalizing harsh self-standards. The study points out that many teens today report higher levels of perfectionism than previous generations—possibly due to social media, academic pressures, and constant comparisons.
Unchecked perfectionism can lead to:
- Chronic stress and burnout
- Avoidance of challenging tasks
- Difficulty accepting mistakes or setbacks
- Symptoms of anxiety and depression
Meanwhile, teens who focus on excellence rather than perfection are more likely to stay motivated without becoming overwhelmed or self-critical.
How Parents Can Start the Conversation
Understanding these two kinds of strivings can help you respond more effectively to your teen’s mindset. Here are a few ways to connect:
- Be curious, not corrective.
Try asking: “What does success mean to you right now?” or “How do you feel when things don’t go exactly the way you hoped?”
This opens space for reflection without judgment. - Talk about mistakes. Yours too.
Share stories from your own life when you failed, adapted, and kept going. It helps normalize imperfection and shows that learning doesn’t stop after high school. - Validate effort and resilience—not just results.
Praise persistence, creativity, or courage in trying something hard. Avoid only commenting on scores or outcomes. - Model realistic goal-setting.
Talk about setting goals that stretch but don’t snap. Encourage your teen to break big tasks into manageable steps and celebrate progress.
How Teens Can Reflect on Their Own Striving
Not every teen wants to talk. But many are open to quiet reflection. Here are a few strategies to try:
- Journal prompts:
- What do I expect of myself—and why?
- What happens if I don’t meet my goal?
- Would I talk to a friend the way I talk to myself?
- Name the difference:
Ask yourself, “Am I trying to be excellent—or perfect?”
If the goal feels impossible or tied to feeling “good enough,” that’s a clue it might be perfectionism. - Create a “done is enough” checklist.
Write out 3–5 criteria that, if met, mean a project is complete—even if it’s not flawless. Practice walking away once you hit those marks. - Talk to someone you trust.
A parent, teacher, counselor, or even a friend can offer perspective. Sometimes just saying the fear out loud helps loosen its grip.
The Bottom Line
Striving to succeed isn’t the problem—it’s how teens go about it that makes all the difference. When the drive to achieve becomes harsh, unforgiving, and tied to self-worth, perfectionism can quietly erode confidence and mental health. But when teens are encouraged to pursue excellence with flexibility, they build not just competence—but resilience, too.
Parents and caregivers can play a powerful role by helping teens recognize the difference between impossible standards and meaningful growth. It starts with listening, modeling self-compassion, and encouraging goals that leave room for real life.
Perfection might feel like the goal—but excellence, done with heart and balance, is where real growth happens.
Join this discussion and other discussions on mamapedia.com
Love Beyond Genetics: How Assisted Fertility Families Flourish
Unlock Your Child’s Vocabulary Potential: Timing and Quality Matter
Cannabis Use Among Teens Is Rising — Here’s What Every Parent Should Know
Not sure I Iike the word excellenscism but I think the ideas in this article are really helpful. I always cautioned my boys to strive to challenge themselves but not to overfill their plate in high school and college. I try to be mindful every day of wanting to do my personal best (which some days my best is less than other days), not to compare myself to anyone else and to think about how I can specifically improve rather than beating myself up. A few years of therapy admittedly help me get to this place. Anyway, I think the advice is good for adults too.